Being called out

Having your crap called out to you is never any easy thing to go through.  It is, however, necessary to the growth and change of any person.  Change is never easy, and anyone who tells you otherwise is just lying to you.  It takes an addict it's whole life to maintain the change its transformation and to even get to the point where they WANT to change is another story all together.  Why do we think that a person who is overweight can just decide one day to stop all their bad habits and loose the weight?  They CAN'T.  The truth is they are an addict.  They have to go through the same life altering change as a drug user or an alcoholic.  Their maintenance regime has to be the same.  It has to be an every day choice and sometimes an every second choice to NOT eat the food that they go to.  I know from experience that sometimes the food doesn't taste good, and you know it's not good for you, but you eat for the sake of eating.  For purely the motion of putting something into your mouth, for the feast of the addiction; it's not a thought out process, most of the time.  What will follow is the guilt and the shame of doing something you knew was wrong and doing it anyway.  What comes next is the addict's choice to continue with the sabotaging behavior or moving past it and recognizing it for what it is and making an effort to NOT go there again...again and again and again.  The choice is never done, it always has to be made.  As soon as you think you have it mastered you start to loose, not because you now suddenly make a bad choice, but because you are not fighting as hard, you think you don't have to.

This is where I am.  I WANT to loose weight and yet here I sit around the same weight I have sat at for a year now.  I go to the gym , I work out with a trainer and yet nothing has changed.  So today Ashley called me out.  I was so tired and fatigued from the workout that I started to cry.  I let go of my walls and let her in and said something that even shocked me,  "I'm scared".  Here is the truth for all of you who read this, I'm putting it out here so that I can read and look back to see that maybe this was my turning point.  I am scared to loose the weight and then gain it all back and have to start over again.  The silliest part of this fear is I didn't really know it was there and now that I have voiced it, it seems like a silly idea.  If someone were to say this to me I would say, "So what if you gained he weight back, look at what you have learned and now apply it."  I would be and have been encouraging to them to fight the good fight.  Don't give up.

Here is what I have learned today through the tender mercies of my Heavenly Father, that he loves me.  This fear I feel is not of Him is is of the adversary. I CAN do this, and I don't have to fear.  I DO have to take it a moment at a time though and realize that is bigger than myself.