There is more to it than you think

Sometimes working out and getting healthy has more to do with the mental than it does the physical. Today was such a day. I went in and was NOT my usual self. I've been unable to comprehend why I've been emotional lately. Why did the weight loss not make me happy, truly, why did I feel such disappointment, why do I have such a hard time taking compliments and really believing that I'm doing this? The biggest question, why was I SO angry? Ashley could tell right off that I wasn't myself, I wear my emotions all over my face. She asked me if there was anything I needed to talk about or anything she could do. I told her no and just went into the wkout. After doing just one set of the things she asked I wanted to burst into tears, not b/c it was hard, but b/c the emotions were so on the surface. Muscles have memories and they carry emotions and today they got the best of me. I usually do a great job in stuffing them down. There comes a time when you have to let go and allow the body to heal though. For those who watch The Biggest Loser and think those people are a bunch of cry babies I have news for you, there is more to loosing weight than just the physical aspect of it.

After my training session Ashley asked me to do something that was actually REALLY hard for me, the stair climber. She asked me to do it b/c it would give me a sense of accomplishment b/c it would be hard. It WAS hard, but it was more than that. I have been on the verge of something for a while now and I push the emotion down, not wanting to break in front of others. I hold it in b/c I don't want to feel it, whatever it is. The stair climber made that imposable to do. It was so challenging that it pushed me to that place I was running from, it forced me to go there. When I finished did I feel accomplished, no, I felt PISSED! (Sorry for those that don't like that word.) I felt mad and angry and....b/c I couldn't run from the emotion I embraced it and hid myself for a bit, not worrying about the rest of the wkout just then. I needed to feel. I originally thought I was angry at someone b/c of something a long time ago, but that wasn't the case. The truth was/is I'm angry at myself. For those who have known me a long time know that I have gone down this road before. I have lost weight, gained it back, lost it again, gained it back. I have done this dance for so long and every time I swear I won't go back. I LOVE to be healthy, I LOVE to dance and I LOVE to work out. I LOVE to run. If that is the case than why do I fall off and forget? It was in that realization that a small voice whispered inside of me and I felt an embrace. In that moment of clarity and crying I realized that each time I have done this I have tried to do it alone. There is nothing we can do alone and expect to hold our achievements. This time I turned to a higher power, a power so great that it's all encompassing. I turned to the Lord. He knows ME, He knows MY desires and struggles better than I do. If anyone can help me it's Him. If anyone understands me it's Him. In that moment all the anger I was feeling turned to peace and I felt better. I know that this journey is just beginning for me and it's going to be a battle the rest of my life, but it's a battle I CAN win, with help. I realised today

I AM THE ONE WHO GOT ME THIS WAY, THEY WERE MY CHOICES!

I can't put that on anyone and I can't push that away. So, next time you're wondering why and if just remember that there is someone rooting for you to succeed, someone who knows you better than anyone and that person loves you more than you can comprehend. Ask for his help, he will be happy to give it, but you HAVE to ask.

Happy Day!

Well, as you may or may not have noticed I have lost 10 lbs. since this time last month. I have also gone down almost 2% in my BMI. Ashley tells me that's a REALLY good thing, so I'll take it. Hopefully I can keep this up. I've hit a plateau of some sort. After talking with Ashley we think it might be that I need to eat more calories throughout the day.

You might be thinking,"what, I thought the idea of loosing weight is to eat a small amount of calories."

I think the idea is to eat the right kind of calories and make sure you don't burn all that you eat, which is what I have been doing. Thanks to my body bugg I know that lately the amount of calories I eat is often less than my deficit. Let me explain...Say I burn 3000 calories, eat 1500 then my deficit is 1500. This is not a good scenario. A good scenario would be if I ate 2000 calories, that way my body has a bit more on reserve. I would still loose 2 lbs that week if I kept that deficit, but if my deficit is the same or greater than the amount of calories I eat than that will result in where I am now, a plateau. So my goal for this week is to eat more good calories so I can increase my caloric intake.

Today Ashley had me do box jumps. For those who watch The Biggest Loser, it's the exercise that that girl was struggling to do so much on Jillian's team, I think she got cut last week. N E WAYS, I thought about it too much and now I have a battle wound. My shin is skinned and Ashley had to put a band-aid on it. By tomorrow it should have a nice scab. (= Other than that the wkout was great. AND the box jumps were SO much better after my mistake. I learned and I will try it again on my own another day. Just add it to my list of ever growing things I need to practice on my own. Fridays are getting busy with lots of things for me to thinks about doing. Thanks Ashley, for giving me ideas on what to do on my own. (=

What have I learned this month...Well, there is the idea that you can make a mistake and it's not the end of the world. Just get back up and try again the next day. Weight loss should not be the goal alone. If weight loss is your only goal you will never achieve it. Your goal needs to be bigger, it needs to be life changing like an over healthier life. It's okay to crave things and to give into temptation, just don't over do it and realize the bigger picture. I feel healthier, happier, and I have way more energy.

Compliments I have received this month are, "You seem to have more energy and you look great." "You seem happier now" From Clint, "WOW, you look great!" I can't remember all of them, but those are the ones that stand out to me.

I AM happier, I DO have more energy and I am starting to look better. I feel stronger. I have been learning a lot about myself and I know this journey is just beginning.

Getting over it

Well...It was bad week after Wednesday. Later that night I developed a sinus infection, at least that's what we'll call it. My head hurt so much. Thursday was hard to find motivation to do the wkout and then Friday hit. I tried to pick it up and took Advil before going, but it was no use. I just didn't feel good, so after making sure I got all the muscles in the lifting part I took it easy on the cardio. Saturday i didn't even make it into the gym b/c I felt so bad. By Sunday I was feeling MUCH better! I still have a bit of a runny nose and sometimes the headache toys with coming back, but over all I am feeling SO much better.

Today was great! There wasn't anything special about it really, I just feel back to my motivated self. Yesterday I put on an outfit that I bought for a wedding in Jan and it hung on me. Seriously the ONLY reason my skirt didn't fall to the ground was b/c it was hanging on my hips. The shirt that used to fit perfect now is too big in the bust and the arms. I tried on another shirt that I haven't worn since Kaily was 2, 2 1/2 yrs ago, that fit PERFECTLY! My pants are getting bigger faster, meaning they fit the day of the wash and that's it, after I wear them once they start to fall too far down on the hips. All of this comes after a VERY hard last week motivation wise and emotionally. For you girls out there I think you know what I mean.

What's new? Well...My mom bought me a new cook book. It's from The Biggest Looser and we made a meal from it last night that was really yummy. I liked it a lot. Tonight I am going to try something else in it.

So in all, I feel great, happy and ready to be amazing this week. Here's to a good week and I hope you all find the motivation you need.

AHH Wednesday!

What an amazing wkout I had today. Ashley had me do sprints on the treadmill today, 6 of them at 7.0. The first one she put up to 7.0 I kinda got scared, NEVER in my life have I ran that fast on the treadmill. So she put it down to 6.5 and I was amazed at the ease of it. I thought by the end of 1 min I would surely be dying, but I wasn't and after I rested for 30 sec I had her move it up to 7.0. It felt great to open the lungs like that and really run. It's been a while since I've done that and never on the treadmill. The last 30 sec of the last min my asthma kicked in and it felt like I suddenly had a ton of bricks on my chest. I pushed through it though and it felt good to do so. I'm glad that I'm so competitive with myself. It motivates me to push myself harder. The rest of the wkout felt good and, in the true fashion of Wednesday, I had a great energy day and a great cardio session. One thing I learned though, I shouldn't read and try to do cardio at the same time. I don't do as well and I don't push myself like I would otherwise.

One more thing I would like to say, way to go Brooke for finding the motivation to do what is hard. I know you can do it! To all the other readers out there, thank you! I have my next measurement coming up and I'm anxious to see the results.

Something to think about

After a great weekend I went back to the gym yesterday morning. My trainer wked me hard like she always does, but she mentioned something that got me thinking. She asked me if I was in my Monday funk. So I thought to myself do I have a Monday funk? I guess I do. As I thought about this I realized something about myself. Mondays are a hard energy day, Tuesdays I have a hard time getting out of bed to go, Wednesdays are great and I usually put forth more effort with Ashley, my trainer, Thursdays I'm so sore that I don't want to get up (but I do), Fridays I'm on my own and I don't kick my butt as hard as I did on Wednesdays and Saturday I kill it on Cardio by usually doing 2-3 hrs of it at a time while incorporating my abs. By Saturday I have lots of energy and tons of drive. Sunday I don't do much and I feel like crap by the end of the night so I end up taking a walk outside or on the treadmill. So what does all this mean? Nothing to you probably, but it gives me a clear idea on what I need to do to improve my eating the days I feel in a funk or like I don't want to do this. Cuz, I know we ALL have those days where it seems daunting just to get out of bed in the morning. So based on this new realization, I'm going to set some new goals for myself. I'll get back to you on what they are, I have to think about it a little bit longer to define them.

All this brings me to a question for all of you who actually read this, BTW thank you for all the great comments. Here it is...What are some of the ways you deal with the "in the funk" days?

The stinky truth about 10 lbs

Earlier this week I was in a bit of a rut. I ate HORRIBLE over conference weekend and I felt horrible b/c of it. My wkouts lacked their usual intensity and today was not an exception. I didn't have a lot of time today b/c of scheduling problems. N E way, I am so grateful for repentance! I know we usually refer to this only in the gospel setting, but I think it totally applies here. I knew what I had done, it was hard to admit to slacking in my diet, but I did admit it. I told my trainer and my hubby. I felt really ashamed of what I had done, but truly, it taught me a great lesson. What is that, it is, brownies just don't taste as good if you know you are going to have to wk them off later and they made me stink. That may sound silly, but it's true. Sweat usually stinks, but Monday during my cardio I smelled really bad. The mac and cheese, the brownies, the mashed potatoes, all of their toxins started to leak out of me in the form of sweat. I actually smelled bad for 3 days after that and am just now starting to smell my normal stinky sweat smell again. Okay, so on top of that I have IBS and am lactose intolerant. There is a general theme to the stuff I mentioned, milk. That's right, milk. That made me stink too, so I feel bad for whom ever was next to me while I was running and cycling.

Enough about the stink, I think I digressed. I didn't think I would loose ANY weight this week b/c of my choices. I actually thought I might gain. BUT I have the body bug and that means I know EXACTLY how many calories I burned and how much I ate and what I needed to do to compensate for my behavior. I got on the scale this morning to do my weigh-in and I didn't expect anything. I am down to 229, 10 lbs from where I was when I started this journey. I am happy for my new weight and I have learned SO many things along this journey that, realistically, I'm just starting on.