I've been sick

Being sick is the worst! I've been in this battle for about a month and it looks like I have finally lost.

GOOD!

Now maybe I can get on with life after I get over this. I knew it might be a loosing battle, my kids got it and my hubby got it. It hit me after a VERY stressful week and weekend came to a close. Literally, it hit me late Sunday night. By Monday, I felt like my head was in a vice and I still went to the gym. I thought that I could just sweat it out,

YEAH RIGHT!

By the time I got through with Ashley I was having a hard time thinking let alone breathing enough to finish wking out. I took her advice and went home where I have stayed for the rest of the week. I only ventured out of the house yesterday to do the grocery shopping b/c the fridge was empty. SO, where does that leave me?

Still sick.

Yep, hopefully I can go back to the gym on Monday, but I think it might take awhile to get back to where I was. How I feel about all this is, well, how would you feel? I hate that I haven't done anything this week even though I KNOW I shouldn't.

Here is the lesson that I would like to pass along. You may feel like the sickness isn't that big of a deal, but if you are getting sick take the necessary precautions to help your body. Even if it means NOT doing what you feel you should, and it makes you feel lazy. Try not to think about it like that. Think about it in a way that you are actually healing your body and when you're ready you will get back to doing what you love. This has been a hard week for me, but I have appreciated knowing that I am doing the best I can right now, even if that means I don't get off the couch for 2 days b/c I can't move.

here we go again

We all go through cycles. One of mine has come to an end. Today I start over and try harder with everything. Last week was a hard week for me, in eating, in exercising and about every other thing. So today I start fresh with everything. It's only 9:30 in the morning, but so far so good. This week being Valentines week there will be lots of chances for me to cheat, but I can't and I won't.

My Story

*This is going to be a bit long, so if you don't want to continue reading I'll understand.*

When I started my weight loss journey it wasn't that I woke up one day and said to myself, "Today I will start to loose weight." It wasn't a New Years goal it wasn't something that I chose to do ONCE. It WAS all of those things numerous times over. The truth is I have been battling this since I was a teenager. I've lost it all, gained it back and then some, lost it to find love, lost it to find myself, gained it back for loss of something, gained it back b/c of excuses and lost it again b/c I wanted to be healthy. When I got married I was 170. Then I got 2 sit down jobs where they fed us crap all the time and I felt like crap all the time. I got preg with Kaily weighing 204 and thought b/c I was preg I could just do whatever I wanted and it would be ok.

*I don't know why I thought that.*

In being preg I gained 41 lbs before giving birth. I thought it would all just fall off after I had her, I was SO wrong. I actually kept 30 lbs of that 41. So then I was disgusted with myself and tried to loose the weight. It was only a half-hearted attempt though, I wasn't serious. I actually gained a lot more, my heaviest EVER 245. I got more serious after that, loosing 10 just to get pregnant with Conner weighing 235. I lost quite a bit when I had him and shortly after, but I got stressed and again I didn't pay attention to myself the way I should have. I got sucked into taking care of other people and leaving me in the dust. Before I knew it I was tipping the scale at 239 again. Wanting to have another baby, not being able to get pregnant (this was back in June) and then the final straw..."You have Hyperglycemia, a precursor to Type 2 Diabetes." Shock, denial, fear and then disappointment. I finally realised that I couldn't do this on my own. This is why this blog was started, this is why I joined the gym, this is why I work so hard.

I joined Crossroads on Aug 25th. It was one of the best choices I ever made. Today I am happy to report that I am 40 lbs lighter than my heaviest. I am back at 205. It's been 5 years since I've seen those numbers. I fit into shirts that I haven't fit into since before Kaily and I feel happier than I have felt in a long time. I never realized how much of a prisoner I felt in my own body. It made me sad to look at myself and it made me more sad to think of the example I was giving to my children. Now, I don't worry about all that. I don't have any fears that what I am doing will have a negative effect on them. Kaily and I run together now while I push Conner in the stroller. I can play with them on the playground now instead of watching them from the sidelines.

This journey hasn't been just about the weight, it's been a mental journey as well. Now it has become a religious journey too. I have found strength and knowledge as I strive to put the rest of my life in order. Faith is an amazing principle. It creeps into everything. In truth, I have more faith in not only my Heavenly Father, but in myself. It has improved my marriage, my self worth and my relationship with my family in general.

So, the question on my mind is will this continue? I think this time it will. I think this time b/c it's been about so much more than the other times, that this has truly been a change in lifestyle. I feel like this is just the beginning of my journey.

I need you to know I never set out to be an example to anyone other than my kids. I never thought anyone would really care about any of this. I'm glad you do, I'm glad you come and read about my journey to find myself. So, here's the question I'll leave with you,

What will your story be?